The screeching of the car brakes, the skidding to a stop on the road and the happiness is left in the marks, the trail of the tyres. As I reach out my heavy hand I fall further back into myself, further into the thoughts consuming my mind. What does it even feel like to be happy?
People tell me all the time that I’m inspirational, I should be proud of myself and of course I should. It hasn’t been easy at all getting to where I am today where I can even write these posts so openly about my mental health or talk within the National media about my experiences to help raise awareness but most importantly, to make society a more understanding place for generations to come.
Depression doesn’t just jump in, it slowly drives into my life and it brakes hard causing me to watch my life from the outside, everything stands still, and I just watch life pass me by with tears in my eyes, frustration and anger. What have I done to deserve this? – the fear of the future circulates my head and sometimes I think about having no future at all. What would happen if I pressed stop on this life and never pressed play again?
I was talking to a friend recently about my friends passing, something I rarely ever talk about because to be honest I haven’t even come to terms with it almost 3 years later. The guilt is still there, the confusion, the upset and frustration still floods in and drowns my thoughts and how I feel about myself. Some people ask me why he meant so much to me, it’s because in school I had a big crush on him and I was too shy to ask him out face to face so that’s where Facebook came in so useful and he went on to say yes and that made me so happy, the happiest I ever felt during my time in education. I remember walking to the maths building with him, holding his hand and he opened the door to let me in with a big smile on his face. As we walked up the stairs those were the moments I felt true happiness, but it didn’t last. The bullying continued and for some reason being in a relationship at school always put the couple in the limelight and I didn’t want that because I was fearful of it making the bullying worse. I will live forever with the regret of breaking up with him. Why did I let others control my life?
Depression is like that constant weight of the whole world on your shoulders weighing you down telling you that you aren’t good enough, that seed of self-doubt playing on your mind all the time, wanting to look after yourself but not caring at the same time. It’s a crumbling of all confidence, self-esteem and belief. When I’m happy I am always waiting for the cloud to come back to flood me once again with the intrusive thoughts.
Depression isn’t me, it’s a part of me, it’s an illness which I struggle with but it doesn’t define me and it never will win. If you are struggling then please reach out!